Living Apart

Lately, I have been going through a tough time.

I had a repressed memory of a trauma that was unearthed on Sunday due to a cacophony of circumstances that I had little to no control over.

One day I will reveal this trauma here, perhaps, at least in part, at least to discuss my emotions about it. However, this is not that day.

What I will discuss, however, is how this has affected me in a palpable way.

I am in a relationship. I have been for a long time. I love him, much more than I thought possible. Currently, I am in Chicago for graduate school.

He still needs to find a job out here. He lives in Duluth, Minnesota, and so I haven't seen him since graduation in May. Being apart from him has been painful to say the least. My summer has not been a good one as a result, but I got used to it after a while. After a while I could pretend I didn't miss him as much as I did, or at least forget how much I missed him.

This un-repression of a memory has changed everything.

I can't ignore it anymore. I can't ignore how much I miss him, how much I wish he was with me. It's almost as painful as the memory (but not quite). It hurts, every day, to not have him in the same place as me. To not be able to touch him, or talk to him, or just be near him.

I feel lost when he's not here.

I honestly would give anything for him to be here with me, but I don't have anything to give. Not money, not plane tickets, nothing I could sell to get these things, nothing. So I have to wait until he gets a job here, or at least an interview.

My mental health has taken a downturn and it's only gotten worse. I hope going to counseling will help me. I don't want to screw up graduate school.

There's nothing I can do, because there's not really a way I can stop missing him. So I can only hope I see him again, and soon.

This had nothing to do with science, dinosaurs, or similar topics. And I apologize. But I had to write this down somewhere.

~ Meg